I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
