watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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