yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
