i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
