oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
