Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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