I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
