my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize