I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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