My cat gives me a boner
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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