hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
