Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
