we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
