there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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