Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I am midnight drunk by noon
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
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