then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
