i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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