im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
