do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
