FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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