Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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