He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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