She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
