fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
