Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize