Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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