I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
