i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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