I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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