today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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