I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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