is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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