My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
