I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Randomize
