Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
