I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
