He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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