genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
