I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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