o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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