I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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