I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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