Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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