I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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