So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
