I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
