Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
