I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
