and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
