Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
