I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
