Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
