Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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