Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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