I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
he thought i was a dude.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
