so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
